The Benediction of Saint Anguish
By Catt Kingsgrave
Rating: Gen, with Opinions.
Wordcount: 1058
Genre: Free verse poetry
Warnings: references abuse, apologism, and suicide.
Author's notes: Yeah, don't ask me where this one came from. She just turned up, and I fed her.
Feedback: Yes please!
Linking/reposting: Sure, with credit. Just ask first, and send me a link.
Tips: If you're motivated, yes please.
Saint Anguish came and sat on the corner of my bed
That final night, when I could not breathe for thinking
And want of sleep wound tight around my throat,
So tight I could feel the promise of all my future slumbers
Sizzling away in fiercely cold light of waiting to see
How many more shoes there were to drop.
I don't remember what she wore; it could have been
A miniskirt, a nightgown, a burqua, jeans and tee,
Barefoot, running shoes, stripper heels, flip flops, combat boots
Or glass slippers, I could not really tell,
For her step was quiet, furtive, dark as shameful secrets
One knows one ought not to be ashamed of, and her face,
Her eyes, transfixed me.
I did not want to ask what hand had raised the orbital flesh
In a welter of florid rose and aubergine so tight the blue
Of innocent skies could only squint, though kindly, through the gloom.
Did she smile? I couldn't tell; it looked painful that she might try,
And I, tired, sick of smiles, rather hoped she'd spare us both
The cracking of her crusted lip.
I could not ask, though from deep beneath my pain
I wondered who had martyred her, and how, and why
I knew the prayer she would give in answer;
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not whine.
He maketh me to lie down when I have been clumsy
And fallen on the stairs again, or put my own face into still waters
Until I could not breathe at all.
Yea, though I stumble in the valley of the shadow of his rod and his staff,
I shall not flinch, for his is the power and the fury
Forever and ever…
Her stigmata told the story though; Holy sigils of right cross,
Backhand, arm-twist and hair-snatch illuminated the passion play
And threw her patient suffering into feeble relief.
Another, lighter night, I might have been inspired
But I was furious with shame, spitting, septic with a rage
That hymns with verses like mine, like Hers,
Always seemed to end up at that same refrain
And let us seek what harmony we may,
The unresolving dissonance leers out of the sustain.
And here sat Saint Anguish, Our Lady of the Stolen Peace,
And patroness of those caught fast twixt Deep and Devil,
Humming the tune under her breath
Where I in my Profundis could just hear,
And cradling her hands just so at her lap,
As though she'd smuggled in the simple answers there.
As though the simple answers could be truths
I had not yet, in a hundred sleepless nights alike,
Managed to consider.
I told her, through my teeth, I didn't feel like singing.
Said she could take her neatly folded hands
And whatever sweet surcease she'd come to peddle;
Razors, pills, rough oakum, lead in a copper jacket,
or starvation-empty air; and shove it deeper twixt her thighs
To where the sun didn't shine, but ought to.
A sanguine tear drooled from her lips
Where possibly had hidden half a smile
Until its shelter cracked and let her ragged voice limp out.
"I know." A heckling raven's tones the sweeter,
Aves, Alleluias and Please No's all drowned
In a sacrament of fingermarks and ashes.
"I know."
And did it anger me the more that she might say the words
Those words -- the same as every soul who did
not know,
Who did not want to know, dared say in hopes that I
Who did know, would choose to keep my peace, --
In kindly ignorance, or that she might
Might very well know what serpent gnawed my roots
When whispers quieted upon my entry,
And glances tripped the wire between guilt and morbid pity?
Might know the burn of blame well meant,
Knit thick and patted down around my poor sad shoulders
By those who were sorry, so sorry to hear
I'd got what had been coming.
"You don't," A cornered snarl, a rattling tail, a flash of fang
As if this Battered Saint might fear the likes of such a strangled wrath
As mine, "You can't!"
And then she nodded, her fingers bloomed apart
Like spider lilies' petals
Curled out around the flower's inky throat
A single stamen up thrust, black plastic chromed with silver
Tip and heel, middle bulging out enough,
And just enough that I might tell for sure
It was a pen, and not an iron nail
That pierced her hands together, pinned flesh to bones and sinew,
Dripped red edit marks along her wrist and knees.
"Then tell me."
What burnt fool's finger can resist such fire?
What bruised girl's pride could stand aside
When asked for truth, but offered such a dare?
I pinched the barrel, tugged.
She lurched beneath the force, gasped out
In pain or glory, then was stoic and was still
As that black instrument gave up its hold
Drew free as arrows from the side;
A rib dug out, recycled in one's sleep;
Or child that fights its way to birth.
The black pen slithered free.
And she was gone, Our Lady of Apologies
Patroness of those who must surely have transgressed
Some way or other.
And her stigmata has stayed with me since that night;
Bleeding out in verse what truths I know,
Spitting thorny truth into the eyes of those who would deny
(Thrice before cock's crow, or beneath the jury's eye,)
And speaking in the ancient tongue of those who have been silenced,
Dowsing out the wounded though the bruises may not show,
And bid the world to turn and witness what the shining leave behind
As they clamber toward the glory, jest, and riddle of mankind.
Let Saint Anguish guard their secrets, make it cozy, calm and nice
And let those who die in silence find in her some faint solace.
I can rhyme and I can scribble, I can rant and I can sing
I will roar, I will accuse, I will condemn the whole damned thing
And when the shadows close around me
And my dreams are hunted raw,
When I can't breathe for the depression, and the words stick in my craw
Then I will write them out
This sleek black weapon here my best ally
I'll speak truth from deepest shadow
I will not be made to lie.
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